Aaanndd, we're back

Welcome back to the Street Satire Newsletter,

To quote Allen from the Hangover “I fudged up guys.” Yours truly went on a bit of a hiatus, but I’m happy to say that I’m back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Quite a week this was, as Jerome Powell went hiking (again), Sam Bankman-Fried got arrested, and house-flipping profits fell off the roof.

Let’s get into it.

Let’s go hiking

Jerome Powell must love the outdoors, because he just raised interest rates again for the 7th month in a row. The Fed chairman announced a 50-point rate increase, bringing the Fed’s range to 4.25% to 4.50%.

At the podium, J-Pow gave more context:

“We will keep raising the interest rates until mortgage rates and unemployment rates hit double digits. This, is my promise to you. I hope many of you lose your jobs and foolishly lock in a mortgage that you cannot afford”

Why? Why are you doing this, screamed a CNN reporter.

Jerome then gave a Jim from the Office-like smirk and coyly stated: “because some people want to watch the world burn.”

He then popped his collar, lit a cig, and heelied out of there. Looks like someone wanted to play the role of the grinch this year.

Arrest that man

Sam Bankman-Fried has a lot of ironies in his name. Bank? He’s into crypto. Man? He plays video games and probably reeks of BO - He’s never done anything manly in his life. Fried? He is not free, as he was taken into US custody this week for juuust a few accusations of fraud.

What set this whole thing in motion (besides the $10B lost in the FTX collapse of course) was the game-time decision to bail on a meeting with Congress Monday afternoon. He stated that he got his calendars mixed up, and had a very important Dungeons and Dragons quest that he could not miss.

He did offer to reschedule for potentially later in the week, but that would depend on when his D&D campaign concluded. The Justice Department, instead, decided to go on their own quest, and arrest Sam at his home in the Bahamas.

He was arrested while still wearing his wizard robe. Which might be the saddest part of this whole saga.

Anything else?

• Gross home-flipping profits dropped over 18% from Q3, and 11% YoY. That is the largest decrease since 2009. Somewhere, Tarek and Christina from Flip or Flop are arguing. Even more, than they did leading up to their divorce. (read more)

• Former President Donald J Trump launched NFT cards for sale. I don’t even have a joke for this, since the true story is seemingly satire by itself. (read more)

• Adobe stock gains 10% after rumors that it may acquire Paint from Microsoft (read more)