Welcome to issue numero uno of the Street Satire Newsletter. Here at SSN, we’ll be keeping you up to date on all the biggest fake news stories in the financial markets, crypto sphere, and political space.

To summarize what we’re trying to do here: Remember when you were a kid, and you’d walk into the kitchen on a weekend morning and read the comics section in the paper? And you’d feel, what was that… Joy? Or dare we say, happiness? We’re looking to recreate that feeling here, as you read and laugh along with us.

This will be sent out on a weekly basis, and the stories will be based on and linked back to real business stories, just with our own twist on it.

So thanks for joining and let’s get into it.

Amazon’s disappointing package

“Shave your head”, or whatever Quiet Riot was singing about.

Amazon reported earnings after the bell on Thursday evening, and it looks like Christmas will be canceled due to its gloomy Q4 forecast.

The stock fell faster than a bowling ball out of an airplane, dropping over 12% afterhours.

Investors on the earnings call were more than displeased, and in an effort to get the company back on track, demanded that CEO Andy Jassy either shave his head like their long lost love Jeff, or they’re going to shave it for him.

After all, trimming some hair does make a package seem bigger, even if it’s just smoke and mirrors.

Twitter: Acquired. Executives: Gone.

Elon’s deal to buy Twitter finally closed on Thursday after months of back and forth, err, negotiations. If you can call them that.

And if you were to take a look around Twitter’s HQ, things would like slightly different. For one, Elon brought a sink in.

But the most notable difference is that CEO Parag Agrawal, CFO Ned Segal, and Head of Legal Policy, Trust, and Safety Vijaya Gadde are missing. And Elon’s finger prints are all over it.

There’s even this article, where Deadline (very fitting name tbh) comes flat out and says that Elon murdered Parag, Ned, and Vijaye with an axe. I think someone’s committing to their Patrick Bateman halloween costume a bit too much.

Will Elon be brought to justice? Or will the world’s richest man continue to get away with whatever he wants? Only time will tell. RIP In Peace.

Anything Else?

• Apple beat earnings estimates and rose slightly afterhours after it stated that every new iPhone will come preloaded with a U2 Bono’s home address (link)

• Mark Zuckerberg applies for a job at MySpace after he loses $11B in one day / $100B in the past year (link)

• Credit Suisse dropped 20% during trading thanks to announcement that it is spinning off its profitable Swiss cheese trading division (link)