Convicted

Welcome back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

This week on the street we discuss former President Donald Trump’s felony conviction and Mr. Dell, the CEO of Dell, makes remarks regarding the company’s earnings miss.

Let’s get into it.

Convict

Former President Donald J. Trump was convicted as a felon this past week. The charges? Donating too much of his money to charity… which is the name of the stripper he saw when frequenting the Lido Lounge.

Backers of his presidential campaigns were upset that he was using the money he raised to run for president to help out this daytime teacher, nighttime exotic dancer, by buying school supplies for her students. The school she works at, Midview High School in Fort Worth, Texas, had experienced budget cuts in the district due to a cutback in funding allocated for educational causes in the 2019 Federal budget. The fact that this scaled back budget was approved by the former President is neither here nor there.

The President admitted that he would frequent this adult nightclub when he was away from the White House at Camp David. At first, he was hesitant and concerned at the thought of donating the funds, but during the lively discussion between the fourth and fifth dances of the night, he had a change of heart (barracuda was playing over the speakers), as Charity explained that the kids have been stuck coloring with a 12 pack of crayons - a pack that didn’t even include the color orange, which is of course the color of Mr. Trump’s skin.

The former president went on to say, that while he can’t fault the jury and judge for charging him with a felony that is obviously against the law, he doesn’t regret his decision. He went on to state that he’s happy that kids in that school can now color in pictures of themselves, with their orange skin, in suits, sitting in the oval office and dreaming one day that they too can become president. And that he’s honored to have become the first nonwhite president of the United States and serve as an inspiration to others out there. Representation matters, after all.

…. after the conviction, the judge reminded him that President Obama was actually the first nonwhite President to serve in the oval office, and that he is in fact, just a white guy with a fake tan.

A Stock Dell Off

Dell reported a big earnings miss Friday morning, as the company fell short on both top and bottom-line estimates. During the investor call, Mr. Dell was reported as saying “well yeah, who the f*ck is still buying Dells anyway?”

He went on to say that the true surprise to him was not that they missed on earnings per share, sales, and really every important category on the company’s 10-K, but that the projections were set that high to begin with. When he was reminded that the forecasts were taken directly from his remarks in last quarter’s earnings call, he stated that he went to a boozy brunch prior to the call and was probably still a little sauced. We’ve all been there tbh.

Analysts were taken aback when he continued his statement, saying “seriously, look at the calendar, it’s 2024, not 2004. What’s next, you’re going to go to Circuit City, buy your kid a Nintendo DS, and sign up for DSL internet?”  

Dell shares ended up falling by 17% Friday. After the earnings call, it was announced that Mr. Dell was removed from his role as company president and investor relations lead, and several individuals at the investor’s day stated they heard a gunshot out back behind the company headquarters.

Anything else?

• Bank of America resumes its practice of lending funds to gun makers, as it says that the previous decision to stop doing so was, according to President Brian Thomas Moynihan, “unamerican and gay” (read more)

• FDA approves Moderna’s new vaccine for seniors that they guarantee “will give you autism”. (read more)

• Caesars Entertainment stock jumps 12% after two exciting announcements - the acquisition of Little Caesar’s Pizza, and that it is the real Caesar’s palace (read more)