Welcome back to The Street Satire Newsletter for our second edition. It was a busy week full of news that we’re not even sure is real at this point, so let’s get into it.

You’re fired, She’s hired

Elon Musk has owned Twitter (and the libs) for one week and things are already in turmoil.

Twitter employees received startling news this week as it was announced that 50% of the workforce is being laid off… and that a notable newcomer is joining the Twitter team.

As for the layoffs, some of them are due to underperformance, some are being done to cut costs, and others are being done to be able to afford the latest new hire’s salary.

AOC, yes US House Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is joining Twitter in a director position and as first reported here, has recently become Elon’s girlfriend.

The two have been seen lately exchanging spicy replies to one another on Elon’s social media app. She was also seen getting out of his car Friday morning, and by that we mean a Tesla.

US Senator Shorts the Economy

Democratic Senator Tom Carper, who sits on the Senate Finance Committee, has placed a $110k short position against the US economy #America. That part is 100% true.

The Senator was surprisingly candid when we spoke to him earlier, stating “Have you seen the sh*t that’s going on? Inflation is 10%, our President can’t complete a sentence, and the housing market is collapsing. The only thing I did wrong was not place a larger bet.”

I suppose we can’t disagree there.

Taking the Car out of Carvana

If you think you’ve had a bad year, then look at Carvana and you may feel slightly better about your miserable life. Unless you’re Carvana and you’re reading this, then I suppose the following is not news to you.

Carvana’s stock has dropped 96% YTD, having fallen from $239 at the turn of the year to $8.76 on Friday. Auto-buying (no pun intended) cars above blue book value and then selling those cars for a lower price out of a vending machine is apparently not a profitable business model. But you know what is profitable to sell out of vending machines: drugs.

Carvana Drugvana will begin its proof of concept in drug-friendly states: Colorado, Oregon, and California. It will start with the sale of marijuana and mushrooms, and potentially go even further in Oregon since those hippies decriminalized all drugs in 2020.

Purchasers will need to scan their IDs before buying (so no drugs for the #kids), and a 10% upcharge will be applied to the drugs so that Carvana can turn, what’s it called, a profit.

For the rest of the lower 45 states, they will pivot and have actual humans take over their car purchasing process to negotiate lower prices, so they don’t have to scrap the whole process like Zillow and Redfin did with their home buying programs.

And they must be very serious about it, as they’ve gifted ‘The Art of the Deal’ to all their sales associates.

Thank you for reading The Street Satire Newsletter. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Anything else?

• Wells Fargo was fined over $1B for apparently stealing some of the horses for its carriages from Budweiser and the Kentucky Derby - read more

• Berkshire Hathaway Q3 losses mostly attributed to Warren’s spending habits on coke (the drink) and drugs (prescription) - read more

• The Fed continues to crash the economy and housing market, likely at the direction of Senator Tom Carper - read more