Everything's for sale

Welcome back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

This past week, Putin opened up about the Ukrainian war and Twitter held a garage sale.

Let’s get into it.

Everything’s for sale

Social media company Twitter, which recently went private via Elon Musk’s acquisition, is raising money via a fire sale of old office furniture. Which funding round is this?

The bird app is auctioning off office supplies, comically large Twitter logos, interns, and really anything else it can sell so it can raise its target amount of $1M. The funds will potentially be used for any of the following purposes:

• Paying their former employees’ severances, which they are currently not paying in an effort to cut costs #business.

• Paying the rent for their office building and/or the lawyer fees for THIS lawsuit from their landlord. Foregoing lease payments is also a smart business tactic since evicting tenants that don’t pay rent is famously difficult in California.

• Using the influx of cash as a raise for Elon, as he is now in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the least funny host of SNL AND having lost the most money by any individual ever.

I can’t decide who’s had a worse six-month span, Tom Brady or Elon Musk, but one thing I do know is I’m glad I’m not them… because obviously, it would be terrible being the best football player ever or the *still* second richest man in the world. Yeah, that would suck.

Misunderstood

Russia has continuously attacked Ukraine’s energy infrastructure in what the media has told us is an attempt to cut off electricity from Ukrainians, kill its civilians, and win the war. But Vladamir Putin says that those reasons are incorrect.

According to Russia’s President, “it’s to go green”.

Putin says Ukraine’s use of coal power plants is bad for the environment and he hopes that their targetting of the power plants will force Ukraine to turn to greener sources of energy such as wind, solar, and nuclear. “Heck, even fire Chernobyl back up for ol’ time’s sake. Well, not ‘fire’, you know what I mean.” he said as he laughed.

When asked about the targeting of civilian sites such as hospitals and radio stations, he sheepishly apologized and admitted that his fingers slipped when placing the target.

His intern brightly suggested that a decreased population would result in less carbon dioxide and methane emitted into the atmosphere, thus still having a positive impact on the ozone layer and environment, at which point Putin’s assistant promptly got up and threw him out of the room.

We later heard a gunshot from out back, but it may have just been fireworks.

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Anything else?

• Netflix’s founder will step down as CEO and be replaced by a hologram Stanley Kubrick (read more)

• Former President Donald Trump will return to Twitter this week to “ratio the sh*t out of Slow Joe’s tweets” (this probably will happen tbh) (read more)

• BIG news from Microsoft this week that it will lay off 10,000 employees bring back ski free (remember this?)

• Goldman Sachs will consult with Wells Fargo on how to ‘raise funds without their customers knowing’ after it posts its worst quarter in a decade (read more)