It Feels like 2022

Welcome you back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

This week on the street Apple held its annual WWJD Day and the FDA reversed its ban of Juul e-cigs.

Plus a new section called ‘Somehow Not Satire’.

Let’s get into it.

Apple WWJD Day

Apple held its annual What Would Jobs Do (WWJD) Day Monday and announced some VERY EXCITING updates. TechCrunch, The Verge, and my broke crypto-bro friend who I for some reason follow on Twitter have all said it might have been the most impressive WWJD day yet, so let's jump into the new releases.

• A holographic Steve Jobs who will yell at you if you ask a stupid question

• iPadOS 18 adds an AI integrated Calculator App and if you type in '8008' a picture of Sydney Sweeney's pair will show on the screen

• Apple TV Plus adds inSights, which will tell you not only the actor on the screen but what crime they've been accused of. Watching House of Cards and Jerry Maguire just got a lot more interesting.

• Siri is somehow even sassier, as Apple is announcing eighteen new voice 'moods', including 'girlfriend who is PMS'ing', 'boyfriend who's had a bad day at work', and our personal favorite, 'depressed wife that married too young and regrets giving up her career that she had big dreams for who is now living her life as a stay-at-home mother in a small town'

• The new passwords app is the most secure yet, as it will come with a mailed packet of sticky notes that you can write your usernames and passwords on and stick to your computer monitor. It's hacker proof, unless the hacker is in your home.

• The new AirPods Pro will have 'verbally abused housewife' mode, which will allow you to respond by quietly saying 'shut the hell up' and 'nobody asked you' under your breath while you're in a crowded area

And, you can schedule texts… that one's real, so you can pre-plan that next fight with your significant other by scheduling the next inflammatory and petty comment that you know will just rub them the absolute wrong way.

It Feels Like 2022

The Food and Drug Administration has announced that it has made a mistake and that it will reverse its 2022 ban that prevents the selling Juul electronic cigarettes.

The FDA studied the impact that the ban has had over the past two years and the results show that kids between the ages of twelve and seventeen are less likely to interact socially in real life situations and spend up to twelve hours per day on their phones. 64% of the kids in the 1,000 person sample size have also experimented with smoking electronic cigarettes. This is where Juul comes in.

An easy way to break the ice and talk to other #coolteens is to inquire about which flavor is their favorite, as there are more than fifteen fun varieties, such as mango banana and chocolate hot dog. The fact that there are so many flavors makes it likely that the conversation will continue for an extended period of time.

Another is by walking up to a group of classmates at recess or after school and asking if you can take a hit of their Juul since yours ran out. I mean, who doesn’t love smoking out of a USB drive… which in turn makes it .4% more likely that the Juul smoker will graduate with a career in computers and technology.

At press time the FDA noted that they may have mixed up the study with another they did on the impact of remote learning and COVID, but they will still push forward with the reversal of the ban because the director misses the taste of the mango fruit punch pods.

Somehow Not Satire

• Man who imitates being a cat drives up valuation of company that sells dusty old video games to teenagers who borrow money from parents (read more)

• White woman who sings about failed relationships triggers earthquake reading from concert held across the pond while simultaneously driving a $98M economic impact to the hosting city (read more)

Anything else?

• Citadel Securities and BlackRock are creating a Texas based stock exchange that will specialize in the buying and selling of Texas memorabilia such as boot spurs, coupons for HEB grocery stores, and thicc latina mamis (read more)

• Tesla shareholders have voted to reinstate Elon Musk’s $56B payment package that has an additional $20B bonus if he sells Twitter and $10 bonus if he promises to never go on SNL again (read more)

• Wells Fargo fired dozens of employees who were caught using simulating keyboard activity technology when they should have been committing fraud and opening up false accounts for their customers (read more)