Mom, come pick me up, I'm scared

Welcome back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

Quite a week this was as we ride into the holidays. Elon Musk posted a poll on Twitter, Sam Bankman-Fried posted bail, and the Senate passed a spending bill.

Let’s get into it.

Do you like me?

Entrepreneur, meme-lord, and unfunny standup comic Elon Musk posted his pole a poll on Twitter asking if people liked him. The result: an overwhelming no.

This sent Elon into a deep dark place. Not as dark as one where he would maybe spend billions of dollars on a company that doesn’t want him as their CEO, or say a place where he would call a diver that saved children in a cave a pedophile, but a dark place nonetheless.

Thousands of people also hammered the ‘we f*cking hate you’ button on the tweet - a feature that was originally created under Elon’s reign to be used against anyone that spoke up against Mr. Musk, but much to his dismay, was used against him. Oh, the webs we weave.

After the results went final, Elon posted that he thought voting should only be restricted to people dumb enough to pay $8 for a verification logo with Twitter blue membership. So much for free speech.

In other news, Tesla is down 69% YTD, which shockingly, was not tweeted by Elon with “#nice” at the end at approximately 4:20 PM.

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Mom, come pick me up, I’m scared

Founder and former CEO of FTX Sam Bankman-Fried posted his $250M bail yesterday thanks to his parents pushing up his allowance payments for the next 150 years. Looks like he’s going to have to cut the grass at least 2 times a week going forward.

No joke, he is literally about to live with his parents. Granted he already looked like he did so that doesn’t quite come as a surprise.

FTX c-suites Caroline Ellison and Gary Wang pleaded guilty… to being snitches. The judge ruled that while they were guilty of many other things, turning over like dogs and showing their bellies was their worst quality of all, and added on ten more years to their impending sentences.

When initially arrested, Sam claimed that he only had $100k to his name, which if you’re doing the numbers as I did at home, is just a bit off from the $250M bond. So one has to assume, he either stole FTX customer’s money (allegedly), or has a lot of IOUs he’ll need to write back.

“That's a car. Two hundred seventy-five thou... Might want to hang on to that one.”

Anything else?

• The Senate passed a $1.7B spending bill Thursday afternoon, which now moves on to the House. If it does not pass, the government would shut down, which would somehow result in the government functioning more smoothly than when they’re in session. (read more)

• The Jan. 6th Capital Attacks report has been released, which shows, shockingly, that it is the day before January 7th. (read more)

• YouPorn pays $2B anally for NFL Sunday Ticket to show grown men getting f*cked in the head. (read more)