The Biggest Loser

Welcome back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

I just enjoyed some time off celebrating the holidays, and now we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming.

This past week, Kevin McCarthy showed why he is the biggest loser in the House (and possibly in America), Amazon announced layoffs, and Meta was fined for its ad practices.

Let’s get into it.

Sad Man Begs Coworkers to Like Him on National TV

With the elections over and a new Congress in session, our friends in DC have been voting for the highly esteemed Speaker of the House position. The GOP has taken the majority, and with that, a changing of the guard is in session as Nancy Pelosi moves on to more important matters, such as trading securities with insider information and making Tucker Carlson burn his eyeballs.

High school reject Kevin McCarthy, the front-runner for the position, tried three times on Tuesday to receive enough votes to be named King of the Castle, but ultimately failed to 218 needed. Then he tried three more times on Wednesday and failed again. You have to wonder how this loser manages to get up in the morning.

The House said enough was enough and adjourned until 8 PM on Wednesday night, which gave McCarthy’s mom enough time to call the other mothers of the 20 GOP holdouts to ask them to play nice with her sweet little boy.

The House then again voted to delay voting until noon on Thursday, so that McCarthy can get what I’m sure will be another good night’s sleep knowing that everybody in the House hates him.

Three additional voting sessions occurred Thursday, and as you can imagine, did not go McCarthy’s way.

This story is still in progress and I look forward to providing you with an update from the ~89th voting session in next week’s newsletter.

Pissed off and Laid off

Amazon announced layoffs in November that were estimated to affect 10k people. It appears though that just like inflation, that number has also grown, and is now near 17k.

Most of the layoffs are in their corporate offices, so those warehouse workers and drivers with the soggy diapers can rest easy for now.

Amazon has struggled in the past year after spending much of 2020 and ‘21 building up its workforce to keep up with the demand that the pandemic brought on. As ‘rona swept the nation, citizens were scared of stores and forced to buy their bottles of piss online. And since the Silk Road was shut down years ago, people turned to Amazon.

To keep up with this, Amazon went on a hiring frenzy, bringing on as many people as possible with the largest salaries and smallest bladders. But thanks to inflation and rising costs, combined with people resuming the purchasing of piss in person like the good ol’ days, Amazon needs to pinch it off and reduce its headcount.

No telling if the wet spots on the corporate office floors are from regular tears or golden ones.

Anything else?

• Meta was fined $400M by the EU for forcing its users to accept targeted ads based on their porn preferences. As many might assume, this caused a lot of fights in households across Europe and even affected some couples stateside (ie Tom Brady and Gisele. (read more)

• The meeting minutes from the Fed’s December meeting were released on Wednesday, and as we previously reported, showed that the Fed’s main mission is not to tame inflation, but to ensure unemployment raises over 10%. Looks like with Amazon’s news above that we’re well on our way there. (read more)

• GM brought pride back to the States as it reclaimed the US sales crown from Japanese automaker Toyota. In unrelated news, GM President Mark Reuss was arrested for driving under the influence after being seen doing donuts in Toyota’s Detroit office parking lot while shotgunning beers. (read more)