I was told the Shrimp was Endless

After a long hiatus, I’d like to welcome you back to The Street Satire Newsletter,

This week on the street one lone customer is making Red Lobster staff work overtime due to its shrimp deal and Ticketmaster and Live Nation are rumored to have filed for divorce.

Let’s get into it.

The Shrimp has to End Sometime

The year is 2026. Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy two years ago due to their endless shrimp deal, a promotion that once was temporary, but ended up costing the company $11M once it was made permanent. I guess all good things must come to an end after all.

All of the Red Lobster locations have closed down. The signs are removed. The strip malls, abandoned. Some were even replaced by an Olive Garden or occasionally by the far less popular Black Eyed Peas. But one Red Lobster, in Eureka California, remains open, due to one customer, who has been dining here for TWO years.

Jim is his name. He has no family. He has no job. The staff isn’t even entirley convinced he has the twenty dollars and some odd change for the bill. 

Whenever the waiter tries to take his plate away he screams ‘I WAS TOLD THE SHRIMP WAS ENDLESS’. And so he continues to eat, plate after plate.

The effects of the constant intake of shrimp are severe. He’s had food poisoning fourteen times during this run. The tremors in his arms and hands have gotten so bad that he often accidentally flings shrimp off his fork when he tries to lift it to his mouth. The mercury poisoning has completely destroyed his kidneys. The only hope to remove him from this establishment is for his memory loss to get so bad that he forgets completely about the promotion.

He can barely muster the energy on his walk to the bathroom for his twelfth bowel movement of the day. And as he’s halfway between the table and the men’s room, he falls over, wheezing and gasping for air. 

And as he takes his last breath you can hear him softly say ‘I’ll just have a couple more shrimp.”

This just isn’t working out

Ticketmaster and Live Nation have supposedly gone to the divorce court and are looking to separate due to, what’s told to reporters as, “differences.”

What those differences are we can’t say for sure, but according to an anonymous source, their sex life is in trouble, as they just couldn’t agree on how they wanted to f*ck the consumer.

One said they like to get off by increasing their customer’s fees periodically, while another supposedly likes to get their rocks off through edging - leaving the customer in the waiting room for hours on end and then telling them that the entertainment they desire is sold out.

This all lines up, as a member of the paparazzi caught Ticketmaster screaming into its phone just yesterday about something, and it’s speculated that it was in a massive disagreement with Live Nation… that or the United States sued their marriage… but c’mon, what are the odds of that happening?

Anything else?

• Nvidia continues its earnings tear thanks to another breakthrough in chip technology - the Dorito frito tortilla chip (read more)

• Elon finally leans in to his social media website’s true use and rebrands twitter OFFICIALLY to xxx (dot) com. (read more)

• The SEC has announced its approval that traders can now sell parcels of heaven (read more)

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